Health

don’t think about it too much…

Morning lovelies, I thought I would start this open letter to everyone who fears letting go with a quote from J. K. Rowling.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” 

Typically I write these blog posts for my audience, and hope to shed light on real-life situations and problems but this post is different.  I am also writing it for myself.  Last week I hit a breaking point, – well it actually might have been while I was at a drag show when I started to bawl harder then I have ever cried while the man sung along to Celine Dion’s “I am Alive” – I felt heavy, more heavy than I have ever felt.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  All I wanted to do was hug the person I miss most.  But I could not.  I had to make the situation I was in better, by myself, and for me.

So I began to think about everything going on around me and I was overwhelmed with joy and happiness but there was a space in my heart that was filled with darkness and misconception.  A place I try not to think about very often… hence why I never address things – things in the the darkness – , or talk about them.  That is why I decided to write this for myself, because at that point in time I wish I had something like this to read to make everything better, or go away for a few minutes.

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Photo Credit: Lux Media Group

I realized I needed to learn to let go. I needed to shed happiness back into that part of my life. This place is filled with grief from losing three very special people to me in the past 2 years, it is filled with confusion and “feels” towards people in my life, and it is filled with the will to want to make things better, when I knew I could not.

I am writing this because I am so happy and proud to say that I have finally got to a point in my life where I realize I cannot make you happy.  I can only make me happy.  The below quote is special to me because it represents the strengths people hold even when life is a bitch, the power they gain when they know they have nothing left inside, but still get up, and do life.

“to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.”
― Ellen Bass

I lost someone very important to me 10 days ago, and when I found out she was gone my heart sunk, it crumbled, it felt like someone was torturing me by pulling my heart out and shoving it back in again. I was in the car with my cousin and the words fled from my sister mouth “she is gone”.  All I wanted to do was scream from the top of my lungs but I did not.  I do what I usually do.  I pretend I am ok, and cry in silence.  I hold it all in until I hit a breaking point and blow up on everyone around me.  I become self destructive…

I know how contagious my behaviour can become so I tried my best to control it before it got to that point. When I got home I started thinking how can I make this go away? Why does it hurt so much?  If I cannot get rid of the pain of the light taking her then I must be able to do something else. I closed my eyes and I tapped into the darkness, that place I avoid.  I noticed everything in there apart from grief can be controlled.  It hit me – I do not need to hold onto people that threaten my self-love, peace of mind, and self-worth.

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Photo Credit: Lux Media Group

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” 

― Lao Tzu

For months, and years I have been trying to make things ok, but nothing I did was working.  I got myself stuck in a relationship with the darkness.  A constant debate between right and wrong, a venomous argument between myself and the uncontrollable… which got me questioning whether or not I was in wrong?  Well of course I was.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone falls.  But we all love, and we are all human.. so I reminded my self that I was also right! Your feelings are feelings, and if you feel a certain way then you must acknowledge the way you feel.  Do not do what I did, do you not sweep them under the rug.  You end up hurting yourself, but more so the people around you.

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Photo Credit: Lux Media Group

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” 

― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now; feelings, and different or alternative means of expression are okay.  I mean, do not get me wrong I have no problem with expressing myself but I have been told so many times before and by people who meant a lot to me that the way I expressed myself was wrong, or to much for them.  What do I know now though? That nothing is wrong with you.  The way you express yourself is what makes you, you!

“Do not treat people how bad they treat you, treat people how good you are”

There is nothing wrong, or negative about letting go.  It does mean that you are putting them in the past, it just means you are no longer going dwell on it.  Like the quote above – just let it fucking rain, do not think about it too much.

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Photo Credit: Lux Media Group

“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.”
― Andy Warhol

Today I am saying “so what”, and I encourage those of you are going through a similar situation to do the same.  Being stuck in the darkness sucks.  I have a few things that I am doing lately that are helping me let go, and learn that I cannot control anyone but myself.

  • love the fuck out of everyone – if they have wronged you who cares, let it go, and just love them! This does not mean that you have to talk to them, or even think of them.. but you hear about them or see something positive happening in their life just fucking love it.  Think big, think beyond words, they feel your energy and one day, maybe in a different world your love for them with connect and you will be reminded of how beautiful “what was” is.
  • wake up happy – no matter what, just be happy.  I do not mean you have to smile 24/7 but more so fight the bad with the good.  If you go to bed upset remind yourself that it is no ones control but your own to turn your mood, and morning around.  Honestly, guys, life is so short – just make the best of it.
  • think of the good times – when you are trying to let go of the past you often think about the negative moments that lead you to this place and time.  What I do is remind myself of why they were once someone so important to me – you will always love this person – and what made your relationship so beautiful.  If you are dealing with grief to me this is super important, because this is where you can sit down, reflect and cry.  Oh, it hurts, but man does it help!
  • just do you- focus on your growth, focus on you, because you are the person you want to work on and help grow (mamas and papas this is a bit different for you)
  • treat everyone with respect – I struggle with his one because I have rage and when people wrong me I turn to anger.  This does not  mean I am every deliberately rude to people, but anger is just my scape goat.  Just remember, no matter how badly someone treats you that somewhere, in their heart they meant well.  We all break down.  How are we meant to see that someone else is at their breaking point when it takes us days to realize were experiencing one?

I really hope this did not bore you lot too much, but I was something I needed to get off my chest.  Recently I have become a woman who loves to write, and it is really soothing, and helps me stay calm. I hope this post helps bring you at least 1% more peace than before. I know it has made me feel better.

Love from Your Greek Food Goddess XOX

sisters

                                Σε αγαπώ -I love you-, Thea mou.
Stefanie Gentry

Ty.ily.you helped me remember.you helped me let go.It feels like you are my spirit’s friend. Thank you. Gracias. Merci. Arigato.tccic.peace.@:3)1love.

no problem hun! so happy to help and to inspire!

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